Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.

   You're unemployed and not looking for work; put down the energy drink.

   The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

   Normal is overrated. I will see your crazy and raise you demented.

   Nothing honors our Vetrans more than buying a mattress on sale.

   If this phone were really smart, it wouldn't let certain people call me.

   doesn't think you should ever compliment a lady on her mustache... no matter how magnificent it is.

   If someone ever tells you "we need to talk" they dont care about anything you have to say.

   really thinks there should be an option on Facebook to 'like' someone's status but not be reminded every single time someone replies on it!

   Observation: Any story that ends with "Anyway, it was really funny" is not really funny.

   A ducks opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have any bread.

   Dear DNA experts, please come up with a small insect that is genetically designed to annoy flies. Maybe even a small insect that bites mosquitoes. Thanks

   always feels so weird after having hot dreams about my friends. I find it hard to look them in the eye for the few days after.

   If you're OCD and you know it, wash your hands.

   I signed into Facebook so I could find out where all my friends will be this weekend. I now have a list of places to avoid. Strategery, folks.

   There are certain truths in life: Lasagna just tastes better the next day as a leftover!

   Besides the fact that random people are bursting into flames walking down the street, It's beautiful outside!

   Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real damn accomplishment.

   they say good things come to those who wait, so I'm gonna be about an hour late

   thankful for my mistakes for they have been my greatest teachers.