Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms.

   I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.

   That  moment when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring... and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least,that's what the restraining order says.

   You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, “Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.

   What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?

   Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.

   Hey Facebook, if I have 75 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends, it means I don't like them. Take a hint.

   Everyone has the one mysterious toothbrush in the bathroom that nobody in your house uses or knows anything about.

   I love you yet I hate you,its like I want to throw you off a cliff then run really fast to the bottom to catch you ..

   The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.

   so the technology exists allowing us to watch TV and movies in 3-D or HD, but when it comes to security camera footage it still looks like it's being shot with the camera from Blair Witch Project."

   Why do we need algebra? Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate.

   Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.

   I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me “I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you? I replied. “I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?”

   I organized a three some last night....there were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time

   That moment of panic when you clog someone else's toilet and you realize that don't have a plunger in the bathroom!!

   Not that I'm complaining, but I think the sales lady at the furniture store misunderstood when I told her I wanted one nightstand."