Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the me who wakes up in the morning has zero respect for the me who set the alarm the night before!

   This is ridiculous - I have so much work to do this morning that I can barely get on Facebook. My boss is so rude.

   You know you're old when getting lucky means you actually found your car in the parking lot

   Deleting all emails as they come in without reading them. Like a boss.

   Okay I have time to get an hour of sleep before I need to get ready for work. Bed get ready because this needs to be quick but meaningful.

   i was moving with the flow of speeding traffic and got pulled over,i asked the cop "why me,everyone was speeding" cop asked "have you ever been fishing?" I said "sure". cop replies "ever catch them all".... well played Law Dog,well played

   To the redheaded guy on CSI Miami...you're not Clint Eastwood so knock it off!!!

   Dear cupcakes, the fact that you cover yourselves up with icing says alot about your self esteem. sincerely, muffins

   That awkward moment, when you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to the person behind you.

   If you dream big and never give up, you can accomplish anything. Except licking your elbow, give up on that...

   Dear London Rioters: There is a big damn difference between, rioting for Freedom, and rioting for Free Stuff.

   I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.

   I'm a walking Economy. My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of the two is putting me into a deep depression!

   Apple's new major social breakthrough - a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost between $499 - $799, depending on cup size and speakers. Nore more complaints about how he just stares at your chest and doesn't listen!

   "I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"

   The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I'm above average at something!!

   My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?

   My neighbor put the box his new fridge came in on the curb this morning for recycling pickup. Guess who has a new fort.