Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems

   So thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside. Instead of apps and how many likes you can get on a selfie.

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.

   Men are born with a gene that allows them to know what the hell is going on in movies.

   Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..

   I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach the toilet paper.

   The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

   So far so good. haven't heard anyone use the word SWAG this year.

   mother nature... turning february into white history month...

   Why is it that when you finally make something idiot-proof along comes a better idiot?

   Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy

   Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.

   Tom Steyer just donated 25 million to the, "Let's Get REALLY Dumb Foundation"

   Singing to a song you don't really know...but that 15 second part you do know is coming, and you're gonna own that ish!

   In a perfect world, we would get paid by the amount of hours we sleep; and a bonus check for every time we have sex.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesman, my pitch would be "Think of how great this will look in the background of your social networking pics."

   There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the "close this ad" button.

   When the government fears the people, it's called Liberty. When the people fear the government, it's called Tyranny.