Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I bang my toe against something it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know

   Every time I hear someone say Right About Now, I end it with Funk Soul Brother.

   People that wear sunglasses inside, have to.......because it's always sunny in Doucheville.

   I do not acknowledge the authority of this food court.

   Your secrets are safe with me, I wasn't even listening to you.

   People with a sense of humor are so much easier to talk to and get along with.

   Kim Kardashian is reportedly overeating while pregnant to secure a lucrative weight loss deal. Didn't her sex tape already prove she'll put anything in her mouth to make money?

   In 1987, my teacher made me write 'I must hand my work in on time' five hundred times. Pointless activity, if you ask me, but anyway... I'm finally done.

   "I'd hit that" - Asians driving

   Why does no one ever take pics of their fast food to post on facebook? You want people to see your gourmet feasts, but not when you're woofing down a 20 piece nugget?

   I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

   Either my spidey senses are tingling, or my foot just fell asleep....

   Back in my day bathrooms were used for taking a sh*t, not as a photobooth!

   I'd have a longer attention span if things weren't so shiny

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day! Teach a man to fish and he will go out and purchase expensive fishing gear, stupid looking clothes,a sports utility vehicle,travel 1000 miles to a lake,to stand waist high to catch 2 fish!

   Just gave my girlfriend my two week notice.

   I rarely slip and fall, but when I do, I do it in front of a lot of people.

   Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

   I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."

   The wall clock at work seems to be stuck on half past f*ck this sh*t o' clock.