Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are!

   surrounded by askholes today... yes, "askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

   If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place. ;)

   just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.

   Do headphones just tie themselves in knots while we're not looking?

   When you begin a sentence with “Don't tell anybody, but...”, the person you're talking to has already thought about who to tell.

   Repeat after me: It doesn't matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won't solve it.

   Deleting my Facebook soon" = "Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important"

   The wizard of oz is the ultimate chick flick, two women trying to kill each other over shoes

   I have discovered that there are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.

   I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

   My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

   Oh Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn't read that, you sang it.

   You're a true 90's kid if you've ever heard someone say "Get off the phone, I have to use the Internet."

   When I die, I want my tombstone to have free WiFi, that way people visit more often

   I don't know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

   New favorite term: Multislacking. It's nice to find a name for something you're good at.

   A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke...

   All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don't subject an innocent cat to a life with you.

   I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that's good.