Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I like to masturbate big words into my sentences, even if I don't know what they mean..

   Bleeched blonde hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake eye lashes.. and yet they wonder why they can't find a "real" man.

   1 in 5 relationships now start online. The other 4 will end online.

   Due to the highly confidential nature of my job, I am not allowed to know what I am doing.

   I still think Princess Fiona's wedding with Shrek was better.

   WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?

   What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant girl all have in common? In each scenario there is a DUMBASS who did not take it out in time

   Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

   Shirley Temple, a wonderful example that making sex tapes, twerking, and going to re-hab are NOT necessary to make it in Hollywood. Classy is ALWAYS in style!!!

   Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.

   I just got a new Epi-pen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it, for some reason.

   Just found out I got another A in my daughter's science class.

   A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

   All these Ebola deaths in Africa might explain why I haven't heard back from that Nigerian prince after I sent him my financial information.

   So sad that out of 200 countries in this world,, America ranks 35th in the world in math... But at least that keeps us still in the top 10%

   Don't expect a bless you on the 5th sneeze, get that sh*t under conrtol

   Dear guy that invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time..

   Going through my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.

   Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.