Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just got "The Look" from my dog. You know, the "What the hell you doing??? I drink out of there" look...

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   Okay future girlfriend, you can stop playing hide and seek now.

   I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.

   Gonna hit the showers. You can do whatever you want with that information.

   Oh, the good old days before Facebook, when you didn't care whether anyone "liked" you or not.

   "Mmmm. I like that. That smells nice. I'm gonna piss on it." - Dogs. And R. Kelly.

   There's too many people out here who have the balls to state their opinion. But not enough balls to be that person who makes ish happen.

   Judging from the numerous semi-naked profile pics I come across on facebook, I would say the porn industry will never have to worry about shortage of labour.

   In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker.

   I gave up "Olympic Synchronized Swimming" for lent....This is gonna be tough!

   I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well

   Its better to have loved and lost, then stay with that psyco one more sec

   just wants someone to tell me how Facebook ends so I don't have finish all this reading.

   I've got all the money I'll ever need....... as long as I die by four o'clock this afternoon.

   has been temporarily disconnected from AT&T...and my iPhone...where in the hell am I?!

   Tourist Resort is a place where no one knows how unimportant you are at home.

   The best audience is one that is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk."

   Sometimes in order to see the light, you must blind yourself to bullsh*t

   The best part of being a pedestrian is walking over the hood of the car of the person who stopped right in the middle of a crosswalk.