Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I'm overdrawn, I'm gonna tell them, "We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it."

   You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."

   i dont have trust issues, I just know people who have lying issues

   If I had a penny for every time I thought of you.... I'd have a penny.

   The only thing left for me to do is to walk on water, and even at that some people would snicker and say, 'What, you can't swim?"

   I'd probably get a lot more done if it wasn't for me.

   Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!

   I miss the old time movie stars. You know, the ones that wore clothes and had talent?

   How to reduce your chances of getting shot by police? Don't make any sudden moves. If you have a weapon in your hand drop it. If commanded to do something by the officer do it.

   It's Official: Both Hillary and Donald are now more unpopular than wearing Crocs with socks.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs... I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   Theoretically if China went to the moon and knocked over our flag what would we do about it

   The election has been over nearly 2 weeks and this krap is still going on. Get back to the funny!

   Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn't."

   The label says "Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication." My question is, is this a warning or a suggestion?

   You millennials and your obsession with public healthcare. Back in my day we just died

   Just because I disagree with you does not mean I hate you. We need to relearn that in our society.

   People don't change... They just learn to lie better!

   4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...

   I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my jerk button and we'll be great