Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A friend of mine once commented that huamns are the only species to go out of our way to obtain milk after we've been weaned, I replied that we were the only species with cookies.

   Right now, my bracket is like a drunken one-night stand: sloppy but still doable....

   SCIENCE FACT: If you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

   running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.

   If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.

   People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that? Yes, I did know that.

   Was in hospital waiting room and had sat on a newspaper that was on the chair. This guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" Didn't really know how to respond... So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again...

   Alright, who left the bag of idiots open..

   Thanks for all the birthday wishes. I also accept gifts in the form of beer, casual sex and football tickets

   You know shes a stalker . . . . or a serial killer, if you wake up at 3 'o clock in the morning and shes staring at you. . . in the dark. . . . .and says. . . "You know that I love you right?"

   Helmet strapped down, crayons sharpened, it's going to be a great day!

   Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold

   I never give money to bums because a.) They probably make more money than I do. b.) They work from home. c.) They get to drink on the job.

   Seeing your ex with someone uglier than you. Awesome.

   Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.

   My mind and my body are starting to strongly disagree about how old I am.

   Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.

   Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me

   Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day.