Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I get in an elevator, before I press a button, I turn around look at everyone inside and say: "Okay people, are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?"

   You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

   This single life is great, I just need someone to share it with

   Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, kind of makes me wish I had genital herpes.

   I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes and thought, "Wow, dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes...

   The funniest thing I've ever discovered. Go to Google Maps, then click get directions in the top left corner. Start in Japan and make your destination China. Look at direction number 43.

   Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.

   I wonder how old Jenna Jameson's twin sons will be when they realize they weren't the first two guys to be in their mom at the same time.

   reuse, recycle, regift.

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. 14 mosquitos likes this

   I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off your trees let me know.

   At a wedding reception someone yelled: "All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living…" The bartender was crushed to death…

   The quickest way to get someone's attention is to no longer want it.

   RIP Leslie Nielsen. I promise not to call you Shirley.

   1 tequila, 2 tequilas, 3 tequiklas, 4 teuiqlas, 5 teuiqlsd, 6 teiqulkss, 7 eteiqlas, 8 treqiklas, 9 trwqiukas 10 trewqiÃ...

   At work, when you don't know what to do, just walk fast and look worried.

   "In this same office, firing you." - Best answer to the "where do you see yourself in 10 years?" job interview question.

   I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

   There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.