Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones

   I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

   I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"

   You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

   Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...

   learned a lot about relationships from Super Mario Bros.....sometimes, You have to pound a few Dragons to get to the Princess

   I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it...

   When I have children I'm going to make them watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that

   I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.

   If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember... you can always change your birthday on Facebook

   It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you've overslept.

   Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."

   So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $10. Guess who got his car washed?