Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gas prices are about $3.95 a gallon and females still think guys are coming over to just "CHILL"

   Sometimes it's better to react with no reaction.

   Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

   Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.

   I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.

   There is a big difference between "friend" and "facebook friend"

   Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   I'm pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and i'll let you know.

   I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre

   I didn't call you crazy. All I said was, "you look like you might own 400 cats"

   You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?

   I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it...

   Dear Mr underccover police car, I like your 5 extra antennas...

   learned a lot about relationships from Super Mario Bros.....sometimes, You have to pound a few Dragons to get to the Princess

   When I have children I'm going to make them watch the movie 2012 and tell them I survived that

   If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember... you can always change your birthday on Facebook