Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is incredibly ironic that the people with the most narrow and closed minds also have the widest and open mouths.

   I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say "hello?" so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

   Girl just told me her roommate sits around watching Netflix all day and never goes out and now I kinda want to meet her

   So you can't get on a plane with tweezers but Ebola is okay.

   Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC

   My fridge is just hospice for vegetables.

   Million Dollar Idea: A restaurant that offers Coke and Pepsi....

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.

   sometimes as I’m getting off a crowded elevator I like to turn & look at someone who’s staying on and say “you’re in charge while I’m gone.”

   If you've spent more than ten seconds fondling and sniffing a fruit or vegetable you need to buy it otherwise it's disrespectful

   Spoiler for the new Peanuts movie: Peppermint Patty finally comes out of the closet and we learn why Marcie has been calling her "Sir" all these years.

   Forget everything you know about amnesia.

   If I was a rat,,, I wouldn't give anyone my ass.

   How come there's never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you've put the body in?

   When I first got married I would hold my wife's hands and gaze into her eyes when I talked to her. After all these years I still hold her hands and gaze into her eyes but it's mostly for self defense purposes

   My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he's a lamp...what does he know....

   Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".

   Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I'll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

   could care less about the color, as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   not having any fun unless he is doing something immoral, illegal, dangerous, or fattening.