Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you? There's an App for that. It's called "respect".

   was using a public restroom today and as I looked at the "posts" on the bathroom walls and the responses to each one, I realized where the idea for FB came from...

   it takes 42 muscles to frown, But it only takes 4 muscles to extend ur arm out and smack'em in the head...

   I'm no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one

   i dont know why but everytime someone starts a conversation with "this one time" my brain automatically says "at band camp"

   Yesterday I went to see a shrink about my Facebook addiction, everything was going smoothly and I was on the road to recovery until he asked me, What's on your mind?

   I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.

   if anyone catches me singing in my car, my immediate reaction is to stare at them until it is equally awkward for both of us.

   If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

   I can't wait to miss the upcoming season of American Idol.

   I wish most of you SOBs would go find a political blog somewhere else to post your do-do

   HOW can dogs sniff out bombs, save a guy from drowning, keep you from walking into traffic, but CANT figure out how to UNWRAP themselves from around a tree!

   too much TV this morning and now I can't decide whether I want to rescue a dog for $19 a month or save a child for $15 a month...WTF

   Bad: Waking up and finding a pen!s drawn on your face. Worse: Finding out it was traced.

   Friend request > Poke > Message > Phone Number > Text > Meet > Bang

   Facebook would be way cooler if it was on t.v. : "In other news Brian's ex-girlfriend is still a cold, heartless b!tch. Details at 11".

   Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..."

   Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat." muhahahahaaa.,

   I pledge to drink a bucket of wine to raise awareness for the earthquake that affected Napa wine country.

   So you can't get on a plane with tweezers but Ebola is okay.