Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   America... the only country in the world where not wearing a seatbelt carries a bigger penalty then murdering your own child.

   Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

   Facebook was the most searched term on Google last month. If you need Google to find Facebook, you shouldn't be using the internet.

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up... then not answer when they call back.

   If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.

   If I ever saw someone do some of the things I do, I'd be horrified.

   If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman there to hear him.... is he still wrong?!

   Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it makes me sad that I've never partied that hard.

   Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made.

   I am known all over the world for my tendency to exaggerate.

   Cop: Do you know how fast you were going? Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic. Cop: There`s no traffic. Me: That`s how far behind I am!

   McDonald's being the official restaurant of the Olympics is like smoking being the official medicine of cancer.

   It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

   Great, now I have to change my Halloween costume from Gadhafi to Zombie Gadhafi.

   It seems to me like Hoarders and Storage Wars could work something out.

   You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says "Drive faster and put me under the seat."

   When I die, I want to be thrown out of a plane over the ocean wearing a superman costume.

   Forgetting an email attachment is the 21st century's version of licking an envelope shut and then realizing you forgot to put the letter inside.

   I feel bad when I see a bug on my car when I'm heading to work. Even if the thing manages to hang on the entire way, it's still gonna be like, "Whew, okay, I didn't die. Now...where the F*CK am I?"

   I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.