Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I'd give five bucks to hear First lady Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel". 
I'm trying to figure out if those anti Trump Safety Pin wearing folks are also NRA advocates since Walter Hunt the inventor of the Safety Pin also invented the Multi Shot Repeating Rifle.
I had so much Chinese food for breakfast I can barely wok
The six flags rollercoaster that people got stuck on.... Obamas fault.
A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
"Use the forceps, Luke!" -Obi Gyn Kenobi
Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.
A new poll actually found that 47 percent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate !
Met a hot chick online last night. Name's Casey. Lives in Florida and loves kids! Super excited! I think she could be the one.
Things I don't like: 1) Probably you. 2) Cold coffee. 3) Small talk. 4) Mondays. 5) Having small talk with you on a Monday while my coffee is getting cold.
"Oh my, they're not even wearing their seat belts; this is thrilling!" -Mitt Romney watches a Bang Bus video
:What's black and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre...
In memory of Whitney Houston, all flags should be lowered a crack..
The life expectancy of reindeer is 8-10 years. We can stop singing about Rudolph now.
If you tell a lie and myth so many times, people will eventually believe it so much that they will actually fight to preserve it. Government and Religious institutions are incredibly crafty at this.
we had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
when you get pulled over for a D.U.I quickly pull off the lable off of the beer and stick it on ur forehead and tell the officer you havn't been drinking ur on the patch!"
Does anyone know how much water I'm supposed to add to this baby powder, to make an infant?
A woman got wooden breast implants yesterday. It would be funny if this joke had a punch line, wooden tit?
oral sex is a lot like smoking a cigarette...the flavor gets stronger the closer you get to the butt.... 