Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   8 year old kids today have Facebook, twitter, phones, iPod. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.

   Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.

   The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   A child is like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.

   Ran two miles. Ate two brownies. I regret nothing.

   tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...

   The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of a good story and realize no one is listening to you.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   Sometimes you feel like a million bucks..sometimes you feel like a foodstamp.

   just read that NASA is doing a $10 million dollar study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from PMS to have her mentstrual cycle in zero gravity.... Hell yeah there are dangers. In a weightless enviorment, the physco b!tches can FLY

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   you cant drink all day if you dont start in the morning

   Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters

   What's another word for word?

   I sympathize a lot with Darth Vader because he had so much trouble juggling career and family.

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: "This one had insurance. Don't kill him."

   hates when his hand falls asleep, it usually means it's going to be up all night

   If your New Year's resolution involves less drinking, debauchery or cursing, then it involves less of me.