Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.

   Guys if you ever want to imagine what a woman's mind feels like imagine a browser with 2,859 tabs open. All. The. Time.

   Sometimes, I wonder if the weather app on my phone even looks outside.

   Some people grunt at the gym; I scream at the top of my lungs THEY KILLED MY FAMILY as I lift weights.

   Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.Do I have to think of everything?!

   The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.

   My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume

   8 year old kids today have Facebook, twitter, phones, iPod. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.

   Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   Sometimes you feel like a million bucks..sometimes you feel like a foodstamp.

   wondering how many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   A child is like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.

   Ran two miles. Ate two brownies. I regret nothing.

   just read that NASA is doing a $10 million dollar study to see if there are any dangers in a woman suffering from PMS to have her mentstrual cycle in zero gravity.... Hell yeah there are dangers. In a weightless enviorment, the physco b!tches can FLY

   My age? I'd rather not tell. Let's just say i'm somewhere between 25 and a Wal-Mart greeter.

   tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...

   The worst feeling in the world is when you are in the middle of a good story and realize no one is listening to you.

   "No big lifestyle change for Lindsay Lohan. She'll still be hanging around the bars"