Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I'll never get to touch.

   Integrity is knowing that just because you can do something, it doesn't always mean that you should...

   If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink...

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day!!!

   just once i'd like to see a Price Is Right contestant who is confident enough to make their own decisions

   What was longer.... Kim Kardashian's marriage or theTrick-or-Treat line outside of Casey Anthony's house??

   Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin....and muffins are healthy. Your welcome.

   I had a philosophy class where the only question on the final was he put his chair on his desk, and wrote on the board, "Prove to me this chair doesn't exist". I got an A because I had the best answer. I just wrote down, "What chair?". Worked like a charm

   The best way to get back on your feet, is to miss a car payment.

   How do you make a bunch of old ladies say "F*CK!". Shout "BINGO!".

   using a public restroom today and as I looked at the "posts" on the bathroom walls and the responses to each one, I realized where the idea for FB came from...

   if you forgive someone, you automatically forfeit your right to constantly throw in their face reminding them of what they did.

   All my years of education have boiled down to this… May I take your order?

   I'm fed up of people challenging my ethics and saying I don't do enough to better the world. Even my coat is recycled, It used to be a leopard

   The best two kinds of beer in this world are....Cold & Free..

   McDonald's in a Walmart is like serving alcohol at an AA meeting.

   Move out of the way children i've been waiting 11 years to see toy story 3...

   Finally returning your knife. Just got it out of my back.

   Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

   Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,