Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.

   Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.

   The intellectual level of this status update has been deliberately diminished for your comprehension.

   Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.

   Just imagine for a moment, if you can, a world without hypothetical situations.

   USA & Pakistan's relationship status= It's complicated

   Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   Do you ever get half way through eating a horse and think to yourself, “I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.”

   Despite their name, riot police don't have much of a sense of humor.

   I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...

   Well, I guess these tequila shots aren't going to regret themselves

   Attractive female traffic cops should make it clear they are not strippers sent by your buddies BEFORE they tase me.

   My face hurts from making that look of concern as I pretend to listen.

   a LEADER, not a follower... But if we're walking into a creepy dark place, SCREW THAT! You're going first!

   Never trust a homeless guy selling homemade lemonade, just saying.

   I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.

   Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.

   Let's all take a moment and be thankful spiders can't fly

   Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.