Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think that if I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, for the irony.

   my anger management class pisses me off..

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."

   Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but doesn't get you anywhere.

   Due to the shortage of great leaders, I have decided to follow myself.

   wonders why the Trojan condom is named after the Trojan horse? Isn't that the horse that penetrated the roman walls then broke open spilling hundreds of men into the city?

   Let's all watch a bunch of millionaires give each other gold trophies

   thank goodness tim joined us. Haven't seen these jokes in days...

   I would like to remind everyone it's not the size of the boat... Or the motion of the ocean, but the whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.

   Talk about a double standard, my 6 month old niece sneezes in someone's face and it's all "aww....how cute." I do it and suddenly it's all "what the hell is wrong with you."

   Spotify is linked with Facebook so that your friends can see what you are listening to. (God help me the day Facebook connects with Google.) : ಠ_ಠ

   Ran into a PETA nut while walking my dogs. He said my dogs were my slaves. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying their poop in a bag?

   I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...

   Happy Earth Day. I'm doing my part by vacuuming all of the dirt out of my car and putting it back on the ground where it belongs.

   Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.

   There are now 4 sides to every story. Yours, mine, the truth & the Internets version.

   Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.

   I only like games where the winner gets their stomach pumped at the hospital

   Unless I missed an international news story, the TV show "Finding Bigfoot" should probably be called "Not Finding Bigfoot"

   My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.