Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can't chug that whole beer!"

   Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you.

   You ever notice how most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them? Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus...

   My girl told me that her fantasy f*ck would be Brad Pitt. Then she went mental because I told her mine. Apparently Amber from next door wasn't a good answer,

   I decided to take an aerobics class. I bent... twisted... gyrated... jumped up and down... and perspired for a half an hour. But by the time I got my tights on.... the class was over!

   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

   Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it's my modesty that stands out.

   Girls need to start looking for guys who have goals, ambitions, and an education because 10 years from now "swag" isn't going to pay the bills.

   One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn't Nintendo.

   haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

   I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.

   Reason why I check my voice mail... 5% Because I care about my missed calls, 95% to remove that annoying icon.

   If all men are the same, why do women take so long to choose one ?

   Don't you just love it when someone owes you money and posts that they just bought some luxury item for themselves.

   I hate it when someone I don't like says something funny.

   Ladies: Please dress how you would like to be approached and talked to. Don't dress like a hoe and expect to be treated like a Queen.

   Now that Bin Laden is dead, can I finally bring shampoo on a plane?

   Nicki Minaj looks like an unlocked character that you get on the last level of Mortal Kombat.

   Why do porn sites have a Google+ option? I don't want my friends knowing I use Google+

   thinks that if you post an album titled "WeDdInG PhoToS", you are probably too young to be married.