Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Respect to the women who loved us at our worst when we had nothing, women who patiently watched us grow from boys to men, helped us work for everything we have today, blessed us with love, support and loyalty and never asked for anything in return.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

   Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!

   Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.

   I suggest we Drink!..... Before we go out Drinking!!

   TEIAM - problem solved

   You can do a thousand GOOD things and a a hundred GREAT things. But if you do just one BAD thing, people will remember you for that.

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.

   Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...

   Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

   when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..

   The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.

   Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.

   My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.