Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Respect to the women who loved us at our worst when we had nothing, women who patiently watched us grow from boys to men, helped us work for everything we have today, blessed us with love, support and loyalty and never asked for anything in return.

   Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.

   I suggest we Drink!..... Before we go out Drinking!!

   To all the Mothers and Grandmothers out there, whether here on Earth or an Angel in Heaven: Thank you for teaching us all we know. Being a mother is not easy.

   I bet Harold Camping's church service Sunday was pretty awkward.

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."

   You know a girl just broke up with her boyfriend when she starts putting a million quotes on Facebook.

   Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.

   Its funny that when you put a depressing status on Facebook some people actually like it?.. "Im feeling down and going to jump off a bridge" ... 10 people like this?..WTF!!!

   Man Fact: Even if a Man notices that another Man's fly is down, he will Never tell him out of fear of the follow-up question, "Why are you looking there?"....

   Good thing I got this degree, just in case this unemployment thing doesn't work out.

   Did you know that most accidents occur within one mile of your home? Which is why I'm never going anywhere near your home.

   Admits that even as an adult, finding an onion ring mixed in with my fast food french fries is exciting.

   I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

   just set my phone to flight mode and then threw it in the air, let's just say... WORST TRANSFORMER EVER.

   Tip: if you're going to call out sick, make sure your co-workers aren't your FB friends and can see the pics you posted drunk last night

   Sunday marks the birth of America, which Americans celebrate by combining their love of drinking with their love of explosives.

   We have 50 friends in common and I still have no idea who the hell you are

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

   when I smash a bug on the wall or ceiling I like to keep it there as a warning to the others..