Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new favorite thing to do is slip a kid $20 while his parents aren't looking and quietly whisper: "This is from your real father."

   That's Crazy = The perfect response when you haven't been listening.

   You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."

   The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.

   Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor's WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I'm the victim here!

   Google turned 12 this year, so now we have 1 more year to use it before it turns into a teenager and wont answer anything!

   Recycle your dog and cat poop! No need to throw it away! Put it to good use and mail it to: Westboro Baptist Church C/O Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. 3791 SW 12th St Topeka KS 66604

   I found an old coin and took it to a coin expert to examine it! He said ''This could be worth $5,000,000.00!'' After catching my breath I gasped ''Really?"' he tossed it back to me and said ''Yeah, if you use it to scratch off a winning lottery ticket!!!'

   I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."

   Women are like iPhones. You have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   If A-B-C-D didn't drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn't have to be so rushed.

   May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

   I'm opening a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50

   Microsoft bought skype for 8.5 billion dollars ... Idiots !!!! They could have downloaded it for freee !!

   Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don't want to see flying at my face.

   ~Hint to the obvious~ If a fan page or group requires you to invite all your friends on your friend list, it will not do what it promises, unless it promises to piss off your friends.

   I am very suspicious about joggers. It seems as if they are always the ones who find the bodies.

   hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals

   ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?

   Haters are like crickets, you can't see them but you can hear them, and when you walk by them they are quiet.