Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boss: And why can’t you come in today? Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

   Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you

   Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore

   Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.

   The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.

   Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

   All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?

   Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.

   I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

   If I was president I’d fine Canada $1k per goose per day for every one they’ve let cross into our country

   My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.

   Let's face it. The first thing a guy does after a woman accepts his friends request is look for bikini pics.

   I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss

   BROWNS BEAT the cowgirls.. we are back

   There are two points about prisoners being on death row vs the rest of us. 1. We're all on death row. 2. They get to choose what they eat before it happens.

   Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today. Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

   *first date* Yep. I like all the things. *fourth date* And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

   I hear someone screaming! That's the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store...

   I can always tell when a friend spent a lot on their kitchen remodel when I can't find their garbage can.

   72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.