Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you ask what I'm thinking my answer will either be so offensive you'll never ask again, or so entertaining you'll ask again minutes later.

   I am a simple person with a complicated mind.

   Things may be in a constant state of change, but I don't give a flux.

   I don't leave any room for error, I make mistakes in whatever room I'm in at the time.

   my new years resolution is to keep my my new years resolution!

   Don't worry about being alone on Valentine's Day. Worry about being alone the rest of your life.

   assumes "don't try this at home" really means do it at a friend's house or when your parents aren't around.

   looks like there's a position open for an electrician at the Super Dome

   Having the worst day ever. There was no Traffic, All the roundabouts I passed were being cleared so fast I had to stop on the side of the road to read Facebook posts

   "I'm not usually like this", I whisper as I lie on the floor in the fetal position, at a job interview.

   Some people look forward to the morning to have a new challenge. I look forward to the morning to have my cup of coffee.

   if you want to make me nervous, tell me that you love me.

   All I really need are two things: a lighter, and five minutes of being unsupervised.

   it really considered a date if I have to keep tipping her?

   I don't have an eating disorder so much as I have a doing the dishes disorder.

   I get paid to be nice to people at work. Why does everybody expect me to do it for free on my own time?

   When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".

   Those Blue Man Group guys need to find some women. I didn’t realize it could spread like that.

   People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

   Being awake is stupid, nothing good ever comes of it.