Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option

   What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

   So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.

   "Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."

   I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.

   If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

   College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   I am wondering if female squirrells only get 80% of the acorns that males get

   It's safe to assume that anyone who has a wedding band tattooed on their finger was not a statistics major.

   n't it curious that the SAME FBI interviewed the Orlando Shooter 3 times and found nothing incriminating ..... ALSO interviewed Hillary Clinton and found nothing incriminating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ....... Ya folks ..... We're really in good hands now!

   "Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams

   The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn't work if it isn't open.

   Calm down,,, the rhythm is not going to get you.

   I hate those people who ride your bumper and then start flashing their lights at you. Like, Hey- look at me, I’m driving an ambulance.........

   Gary Johnson is the Discover Card of presidential candidates. You'll use him in a pinch, but you're kind of embarrassed about it.

   At this rate, it's starting to seem like Americans will be voting on which candidate to keep out of jail in November.

   If you're valet parking your PT Cruiser you should just hand over the keys and tell them to drive it off a cliff.

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.