Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Day 4 of no alcohol: Morale is low. I just drank some eye drops.

   Why is sorting "Price: High to Low" even an option

   What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

   So tired I just ignored a fly walking on my face like I was in an 80's hunger commercial.

   "Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball."

   I have some serious self-esteem issues. The last time I posted a selfie I first cropped myself out of it.

   If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

   College wall posts, Welcome back students. Sex is not allowed in the dorm rooms. The students are like, " Yeah Right "

   Forgot to wear my Sons of Anarchy shirt to Walmart again.

   I am wondering if female squirrells only get 80% of the acorns that males get

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.

   I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

   Tampax is the newest sponsor of NASCAR. If you're looking for tickets to the Tampon 500, I could pull some strings!

   Rapper "Pop Smoke" has died. Please respect my privacy at this time, while I try to figure out who the heck he was.

   Every disaster movie starts with the government ignoring a scientist.

   Some youths have stolen all the bus stop signs down my road... Where do they get off?

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...

   Going to Wal-Mart will help build up your immune system for just about everything except Covid-19...

   The wife asked me to sell my Hall and Oates collection. I said I can’t go for that, no can do.

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.