Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've ever described something as, "Better than sex", then you my friend, are probably having the wrong kind of sex..

   Give me a big tub of popcorn and I could watch women try to parallel park all day long.

   To the people who upload full movies to YouTube: Get a life…also, thank you.

   Making people uncomfortable really brightens up my day.

   Sometimes I lose sleep wondering if I'm one of those "Damn... here comes that guy" guys

   Word on the street: Johnny Depp is single. The other word on the street: You don't stand a chance.

   How are we suppose to have flying cars if we can't even get AM radio without static?

   The more I hear about other people's relationship drama, the happier I am that I'm single. :

   Those awkward car rides with people you barely know.

   Some people say I'm random. But who cares, chocolate is amazing.

   So Paula Deen has come out and said she has diabetes. All I need now is the Man vs. Food guy to have an acute myocardial infarction and the bizarre food guy to die of food poisoning and I win my “professional eating disorders” trifecta wager.

   In porn, large breasted women home alone order a LOT of pizza and never have money. They've lots to learn about nutrition & cash management.

   You'll never be the man your mother is.

   My parents would not let me watch any violent movies. Instead we played board games with questions like "Who murdered this guy with a candlestick?"

   I ate a kid's meal at McDonalds this morning . His mom was furious.

   I’m not a violent person, but I’d happily throat punch the person that decided baby clothes needed a minimum of 20 buttons.

   A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

   Anytime someone scrolls all the way to your first Facebook photo, you should get a notification. Or it should go straight to the police.

   There's no masculine way to eat a lollipop.

   Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous, but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown they’re all screaming.