Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder how many people's phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"

   Look UPS chick, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to always have their pants on, and not to be covered in Baby Oil!!

   Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....

   The irony that some of the ugliest people in the world come in the prettiest packaging

   Everthing will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end

   My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart

   Calm down shouty museum man. I think it's pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

   The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses....

   It's funny how I'm afraid of losing you when your not even mine

   Turning an ordinary salad into a 7000-calorie cholesterol bomb is my superpower.

   Sometimes I worry my posts are too cerebrle... cerabrall... cerrebrel...

   Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.

   Just when I thought there was hope for humanity, I walked into Walmart. We're all doomed.

   Hardest thing ever? Controlling your laughter at serious times

   I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.

   You had me at..."My family is very wealthy".

   Currently using Google image search to determine whether or not I should swallow this pill I found on the floor behind my desk.

   Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of parallel lines, who were never meant to meet. Of tangent lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of asymptotes, who could only get closer and closer, but never could be together.

   Sundays always bring out my inner senior citizen....

   Toaster Settings: 1) I do nothing. 2) I do nothing. 3) I SET THE BREAD ON FIRE!