Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can't cure.

   Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out & my pants off but that doesn't narrow it down much.

   I had a dream last night that I killed all those shirtless guys with "swag" and their duckface girlfriends too. It was the Yolocaust.

   Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?

   My pet peeve: ketchup bottle precum

   I ate so much Chinese food this week I can feel my d ick getting smaller. Related: eating fried chicken all next week.

   The worst sight in the world is...SEEING YOUR MOTHER CRY.

   Note to self: thanks for always being there.

   if rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?

   They say Taco Bell tacos aren't really Mexican. Well if it does the job at half the price... then it can't be any more Mexican that that!!!

   2 doctors are laying in bed after having sex.Guy says "You must be an gyno' because you can work that p*ssy." The woman says "You must be an anesthesiologist because I didn't feel a thing."

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. Come on people...it's grammar, not rocket science.

   If there's anything better than yelling at squirrels, I'd sure like to know what it is.

   My policy towards g@ys is the same as my policy towards vegetarians. More g@ys means more women for me. More vegetarians means more meat for me. Its a win win situation.

   It only took Kim Kardashian 72 days to realize that Kris Humphries wasn't black

   I hate it when I forget I'm watching a show on DVR and I accidentally watch all the commercials.

   This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

   I really want a sandwich, but I just don't have the time or energy to find a girlfriend right now.....

   Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar. It's a jungle out there.

   You realize 300 pages of this crap has been written since thanksgiving.