Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just dumped a pack of M&M’s into my mask and am slowly eating them like a horse

   You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.

   Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.

   Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...

   A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

   There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.

   Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

   At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

   I was thinking about going to Walmart for Black Friday but I couldn't find my pajamas.

   My grandpa was so competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last, he said, "Staring contest......GO".

   I called the cops on my own Super Bowl party so everyone would leave.

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.

   Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person, maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

   The relationship my wife and I have is psychological. One is psycho and the other is logical.

   Just texted my boss "I think my computer's broke Boss replied: "Just give it to the IT guy" Me: "okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck Clown.

   Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.

   Dog farts smell worse than human farts because they've been in there seven times longer.

   This is what happens when you let the generation that invented words like BAE, YOLO and FLEEK vote.

   Has anyone tried the new Trump APP its like Pokemon but instead your looking for Mexican's..