Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The media that got everything wrong will now tell you what will happen now that what they said wouldn't happen happened. Think about that for a minute...

   It seems Michael Moore attained, at least partially, one of the two things he desperately needs, which is humility. We can only hope the other will soon be forthcoming....a bath.

   *rides off into the sunset...... *rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock....... *rides off into the sunset......

   I think this Christmas Eve it would really be nice if we all went over to MySpace to wish Tom a Merry Christmas ....... poor guy.

   The people who insist you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are just trying to Police Navidad.

   This is how my week goes: moooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....

   Keys to a good friendship. Same taste in alcohol. Different taste in women.

   March 4th, the only day of the year that actually tells you to go do something.

   So, when does Jill Stein announce her Kickstarter campaign to fund Meals on Wheels?

   My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

   Now that the Raiders are moving to Las Vegas if they get more than 21 points in a game they automatically lose

   Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.

   I cook, clean, and run errands because I know I can't compete with a vibrator.

   I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.

   If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know....

   eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it

   My wife stepped out of the shower and said "I shaved down there, you know what that means?" I said, "Yeah the damned drain is clogged again."

   Being stuck in the'' friend zone'' is like a potential employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he eventually hired

   From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

   The new name should be "The Team Formerly Known as The Redskins"