Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait until all these 100 days of happiness people get to day 69. Maybe then my news feed will finally be interesting

   FACT: I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

   All I want for Christmas is you... Just kidding I want Money

   I found chocolate in the couch. No,I don't know how long it's been there. Yes,I ate it.

   Bye, bye, Miss Alaskan Pie. Rode my Ski-Doo, To the igloo............................... This was a dumb idea, Sorry

   Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh...

   Those annoying "live chat" customer service pop-ups go away if you ask them what they're wearing.

   The Girl in front of me at Starbucks just asked if they have Pumpkin Spice lattes yet... But don't worry ... I pulled off her Uggs & beat her with them.

   'Don't worry. I'll hold all your stuff. You just worry about making friends' - Fanny Packs

   Hipsters are what happens when you tell every child they are special

   I always fist bump the cashier whenever my card doesn't get declined.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.

   No, I don't have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas.

   "Daddy, can we go to the park" *looks at 9% battery* "Nope"

   Every girls dream is to find the perfect guy then change everything about him.

   Bruce Jenner is my least favoritte Transformer.

   forget to put your pants back on one time coming out of the fitting room at walmart and suddenly you're a "weirdo" who is no longer "welcome" in the store

   Feels bad for dads taking their sons to the girls shopping aisle to get a nice pair of tight apple bottom jeans. Keep your heads up dads. This emo style wont last long.

   According to the EPA, lead particles in the air in Los Angeles cause 6,000 deaths a year. We call them "bullets."