Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I meet someone when I'm out and then friend them on Facebook, I'm always surprised that we have no mutual friends. Where did you come from, strange person? How do you know 600 people that I've never met? How is that possible?

   Dear people in the apartment beneath me: banging on your ceiling doesn't make me want to finish any sooner. It actually makes me want to leave the vacuum on indefinitely....and I think I'll go take a shower now, too."

   I'm glad you don't know how many times I look at your profile every day.

   newest kill off of wildlife to hit the news. 2.5 million eagles fans just dropped outta the playoffs

   somedays you're the duck, somedays you're the goose.

   My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself. What is yours?

   Habits, babies, and promises. All are way easier to make than keep

   You don't know what you've got until you visit your doctor.

   Asking a politician about their stance on an issue is like asking Justin Bieber about his sexuality. You're never going to get a straight answer.

   sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant staring at a pack of dogs.

   Free Snowmen outside.......some assembly required

   You call it Gray Hair...I call it "Stress Highlights".

   the dude, playing the dude, disguised as another dude.

   this morning I came to my senses.......I didn't like it....very unfamiliar...very strange......I liked it better not having them....not going back there.

   if you follow your heart, you will eventually end up in your chest cavity.

   So it turns out that "The Love Shack" does, indeed, turn up on your bank statement.

   There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to fall after leaning your chair back a little too far.

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to stab you."

   wonders...If 7-11 is open 24hrs a Day, 365 Days a year......Why are there locks on the door?

   if I stand on my tip-toes, I can see the weekend from here!