Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dress for success because getting dressed is the most successful thing I do all day.

   This morning I thought I heard a neighbour blasting that new Skrillex song, but then I realized it was just the garbage truck

   From Kim Jong-un's diary: "Friday the 13th, yeah, that will be a good day to test the rocket".

   Traffic is getting so bad during rush hour that you can change a flat and not lose your place in line.

   I guess my main gifts are in the garage or still at the pet store or something. This is the only rational explanation I can think of.

   i was thinkin about adoption to fill the void in my life, if only I could find someone willing to adopt me..

   This day needs more yesterday...

   Loves the smell of gun powder, thank you Chinese people..

   Guys with phone holsters surely would have been gunned down quickly in the old west.

   When going through airport customs and you are asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "why, what do you need?"

   There are 3 kinds of people in the world. One is the solution to the problem, one is the problem, while the other is wondering what was the problem???

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

   Go ahead 'like' my day!

   I don't have A.D.D.. you're just boring me.

   I feel like my co-workers are family. I don't like spending time with my family either.

   Dead fish washed onto "Jersey Shore" cast's beach. The slimy, oft-horizontal twitching creatures say they feel bad for the fish....

   I read where the main Ingredient of Viagra was Miracle Grow and Fit-A-Flat....

   sometimes You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

   This is some bullish!t. My leg fell asleep before me... :(

   annoying you with status updates for her own entertainment.