Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over

   They don't make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.

   I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don't go."

   Speaking of lent some of you mofos owe me money

   Wish there were more love songs about naps and liqour.

   "My son, one day all this will be yours," I say proudly, sweeping my hand over reams of medical charts that explain all our familys genetic defects.

   I'm not antisocial. I'm pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.

   My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

   Thanks to coffee I'm no longer exhausted. I'm alert and exhausted instead.

   It's rumored that the Catholic Church is interested in buying Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. Does anyone not see the irony in this?

   How long do I have to stay in the shower before the shame washes off?

   My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...

   I like giving names to my furniture... Right now i'm chillin' on Oscar the Couch

   How many more short, funny sentences must I post on the internet before I am worthy of human love?

   We've never met or spoken in person, so why should I be offended by your worthless opinion internet stranger?

   Just tried to make out with my wife on the couch. It was like trying to give a cat a bath.

   Different set of tracks. Same old train wreck.

   "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5

   I don't get it with these weight loss pills that say "along with diet and exercise" they can help you lose weight. Come on. The whole point of taking a weight loss pill should be so I don't have to diet and exercise.

   I've lost love, money, and my mind on occasion, I don't care. But It would kill me if I lost the ability to laugh at myself.