Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   learnt a valuable lesson today about not putting "PUSH DOOR" stickers onto glass sliding doors, he would also like to wish a speedy recovery to Jill in HR, although the b*tch really did have it coming...

   ..wonders what would happen if she DIDN'T place the microwave popcorn This Side Up..hmmm

   Life has no damn remote....get up and change it yourself!

   My apartment is where weird foreigners go to have a loud conversation right outside of...

   Facebook.........its not a website, its a lifestyle

   I'm kind of amazed that everyone on Mythbusters still has eyebrows.

   Live every week like it's shark week.

   Waitress: "Do you have any questions about the menu?" Me: " Yes, What kind of font is this?"

   I just got the best deal ever on eggs.

   Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

   NOTE TO SELF: Remember not to post about my personal life on FaceBook. And don't forget to pick up condoms for my date with whats her name..........

   Post this if you know (or are related to) someone who suffers from stupidity. Stupidity is a real condition and should be taken seriously. There is no known cure for stupidity but we can raise awareness. 93% won't post this because they won't know how.

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   I'm not afraid of heights, swimming, or love... Just falling, drowning, and rejection...

   heard about the new miracle diet? Its called "The Garlic Diet", where you eat nothing but garlic, and you instantly look thinner... from a distance...

   going to buy a boat some day and name it "Cirrhosis of the River"

   knows one thing about the speed of light...it gets here way too early in the morning.

   Immediately updating your relationship status on Facebook after a fight for the 10th time this week is annoying, cut it out.

   Keeping secrets can kill you. And let's just keep that between us.

   thinking that school kids are dumb. Whenever they watch a student with a "KICK ME" sticker on their back, they LAUGH, instead of kicking!