Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   This is no fairy tale, you lose a shoe at midnight, you're drunk.

   I know it's rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you're unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

   I stay up late every night, regret it in the morning and the next day I do it all over again.

   If it turns out Lance used drugs to beat cancer, I'm going to be so disappointed.

   I was told to not make decisions when I'm angry or horny. apparently, I'm never supposed to make a decision.

   Every now and then I like to do a complete check of my financial situation. Yep, still nothin'.

   Whoever put "good" and "morning" together deserves a good slap in the face.

   I've been awake for long enough in my lifetime to know that I prefer sleep.

   it wrong to hate a certain race?.... I don't mind doing the 100m but the 5k is hard... I really don't like it.

   Compromising with a woman doesn't mean you are wrong and she is right.. . it only means that Sex is more important than your Ego

   The Broncos just announced that they are inducting Phillip Rivers in their ring of honor next week.

   I don't give advice because screwing up my own life requires my undivided attention

   There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.

   If you think you're gonna get $5000 by sharing a photoshopped photo of Bill Gates you might also want to send me your bank account username and password.

   If I pause my p orn to text you back, marry me.

   if you have a problem with me, call me and we can talk, if you don't have my number, you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me...

   I can never decide whether "Every Breath You Take" by The Police is incredibly sweet, or incredibly terrifying

   Note to the woman in front of me buying a book called, "This Is Why You're Fat" and a Godiva chocolate bar: this is why.