Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got an email asking me if I wanted to "be larger so I could please my lady." Heck no! She's the one who put me on this diet to begin with!

   In 1977 Princess Leia asked Obi Wan for help...on 2011, she asked Jenny Craig

   I've perfected the art of the “You're telling me a story that I don't care about, but I'm trying to look interested” face.

   Eskimos moved in next door. Can I still call them that? I don't have to say "Arcto–Americans" or some crap, right?

   You don't even know how many public pools you can get into for free with a bunch of sunblock on your nose and a whistle.

   I have washboard abs. They just happen to have a little laundry on them...

   Today, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

   Words of wisdom #1: Never buy brownies at Snoop Dogs bake sale.

   if you wanna be old and wise, you gotta be young and stupid..

   "Happy Birthday! Hope your balls finally dropped! :)" - Things not to post on your ex-boyfriend's facebook page. Apparently.

   The only thing more interesting than the royal wedding is... Ooh look, the dog is chasing his tail again!

   Marie Osmond remarried her first husband 26 years after their divorce. I wish her and Donny all the best

   *Public Service Announcement: YOU CAN NOT find out who saw your profile! Jordan does NOT make high heels! YOU WILL NOT know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter! YOU WILL NOT see pics of Osama Bin Laden's dead body! There are NO free iPads!

   She said "Harder!" I did that. She said "Faster!" I did that. She said "Deeper!" I philosophized.

   Why are the people who tell you to calm down always the ones who pissed you off in the first place?

   It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

   BBC NEWS: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up killing at least 2 people. Now my maths isn't that great but surely there's a minimum of 8 people killed there.

   When you have 1 kid ur a parent....when you have 2 ur a referee

   WARNING: If you can read this, then you are too close to procrastinating.

   Spell check... it's impotent