Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because something is meant for kids doesn't mean it won't be amusing for adults. Boobs are a great example.

   Jeez. There is no reason to tailgate me in the SLOW LANE. Especially when I'm doing 20 kph over the limit anyways. And those stupid ricer flashing red and blue lights on your roof make you look ridiculous.

   Bill Gates made his name in software. Richard Branson made his name in air travel and media. Donald Trump made his in property. I made my name in Campbell's alphabet soup.

   24 hours in a day... Except on Monday. That b*tch has at least 50.

   if Taylor would learn to blow like a good all American girl, she'd never ever ever......have to write another break up song.

   best friend....someone who walks in with a flashlight when life is the darkest....

   Valentine's day: Dinner for two: $80. Movie: $60. Flowers: $85. Gold Necklace: $250. Hotel room: $150 OR a Prostitute: $100! You decide.

   My life could benefit from a little more Stranger Danger and a little less Acquaintance Maintenance.

   I'm going to start putting girls in the friendzone.. See how they like it!

   Just checked out the Ancestory site and found out that JAY-Z was 25% Camel

   Facebook, I would be more interested in your recommendations about who I should unfriend.

   Stupid people have it made.. Nobody expects anything from them and when they do something right people act like they cured cancer...

   BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn't looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart...no, I lied , your boobs are awesome.

   To the people who don't like me... suck it. To the people that do like me... same thing. :)

   The best curves on a girl is her smile.....Naw just kidding look at dat ass!

   Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the "Like" button.

   I just wrote go f*** yourself on a piece of paper and put it in the suggestion box at work.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   Excuse me Ladies, but my eyes are up here.

   If it looks like a B!tch, talks like a B!tch, and acts like a B!tch! Congratulations you met my EX!!!