Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all need to join together and practice social distancing.

   Dear toilet paper companies I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

   I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.

   If you watched a movie of my life backwards it would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them back into the fridge.

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 8 years... Squatters built a meth lab in the barn

   New Deluxe never used 2020 planner - super cheap!

   You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

   Quarantine tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any

   Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

   Who remembers when "Never before my coffee" used to be called social distancing?

   Eskimos have over thirty words for ‘snow.’ That’s nothing, my wife has over 100 words for ‘F - off I’ve got a headache.’

   My soul mate is probably driving alone with a mask on. Come pick me up stupid.

   I see Netflix is already making documentaries about the Coronavirus. Like jeez thanks Netflix just what I want to watch!

   My paperless origami business folded.

   At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

   "Let's make sure there's 3 miles of handicap parking." -Walmart

   I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

   My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

   I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

   Ironically "Chumbawamba" totally got knocked down and never got up again