Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie.

   I'd like to be so rich that my dog has a dog!

   Of course I have a drinking problem, it cost too much.

   Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

   Surprisingly,, " How It’s Made" episode about "pancakes",, actually didn’t show my wife and I arguing for 20 minutes

   Don't be sad.. Someone, somewhere.. Is finding out right now they have herpes.

   My phone autocorrected "pepperjack cheese" to "perpetual cheese" and I thought to myself "Hey, that doesn't sound so bad."

   I need to stop lying to myself !!! This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween !

   People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

   If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people work out and absorb the benefits for myself.

   People who say, “Happy New Year” to you on the 4th of January are not really your friends.

   do over easy eggs come from really slutty chickens?

   Don't you just sometimes start a conversation with someone and halfway through you regret the day you've met them?

   I wear my heart on my sleeve and my lunch on the entire front part.

   My daughter just said when she grows up she wants to marry someone just like me. Now I can't stop crying.

   Fortune cookies should have more useful information on them… like… never feed tacos to a child you're potty training.

   Love is never having to say you're sorry. Marriage is saying sorry especially when you're not.

   Conference (noun), Definition: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

   I'M SURE GLAD NONE OF US HAVE ISSUES WE'RE TRYING TO MASK WITH SARCASM!!

   I'd like to spend my Valentine's with the girl of my dreams… But she's gone by the time I'm awake…