Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kids you think you'll never use math, then the next thing you know you're trying to work out percentages in alcoholic beverages.

   I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   A real man should never wave faster than he SAYS the word "hey"

   I entered the word bit*h into my GPS and guess what, I'm in your driveway!!

   I'm hoping my see through white shirt will distract everyone from the fact I'm not wearing make-up today

   I hope I can kill my feelings before my liver.

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   Hot dog warmers at Citgo seem to be rolling at half-speed tonight, must be in honor of Chavez?

   misses the days of jumping on the hose at the gas station to make the bell ring. Full service was the best.

   I don't think boredom gets enough blame for the trouble it causes.

   The best neighbors are the ones you never see.

   I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.

   party at my house bring booze then leave.

   Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?

   I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.

   Just found $4 on the ground. Well, more like $2.40 after my ex wife claims her share

   I don't understand why people go to the gym all the time... everything there's so heavy.

   Toddlers have an uncanny ability to hear & repeat every cuss word you utter but ignore every suggestion on avoiding injury & imminent death.

   I didn't see a single Olympic wrestler use the sleeper hold or figure four leg lock...

   You need a woman whose last name doesn't end in .jpg, .wmv, or .mpg