Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There will be a baby boom in 9 months, after this thing pass but them babies will be known as the Quaranteens

   I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   I don’t mean to brag, but a lot of people have discovered how the unfollow button on Facebook works because of me.

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

   Shia Labeouf sounds like something you do after eating Taco Bell

   Oh come on this is ridiculous! It’s July 8th and people are still setting fireworks off. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

   Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.

   A sure sign you need coffee is to wake up put water in the coffee maker and end up with a nice hot pot of water.

   Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.

   To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon...

   Some of you need to review your settings or medication... I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.

   Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance. Me: Thanks. I do yoga.

   Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower? All other inmates (in unison): No.

   Looking for a DJ for my dog and cat's upcoming wedding. No weirdos.

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes? DOG: Correct

   mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy

   I think I might have spent a quarter of my life just staring into the refrigerator.

   The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.