Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering when will he ever learn the answer to lifes problems arent at the bottom of a bottle, theyre on facebook!!!!!

   found Wonka's last golden ticket!

   divulging his mind in the complexities of th... oooh look a kitty!

   used to have super powers but the psychiatrist took them all away.

   beating his record for consecutive days alive !

   believes in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it

   a jack of all trades and a master of fun.

   allowed to talk about fight club

   doesnt skinny dip...i chunky dunk

   chopping wood for the electric fireplace

   has decided that when I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car

   wondering why retarded people are blissful

   busy fighting all her other personalities Crazy, Neurotic, and Shy on who gets to write the status message today….to be continued

   watching 'Earth Hour' simultaneously Online and on Television... It's kinda Dark... :/

   didn't go to highschool, he went to school high

   he often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

   met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

   looking to buy a decaf coffee table.

   took the "What color are you?" quiz and the result is: Plaid

   Same Great Taste 40% Fewer Calories, 30% Less Fat.