Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wen you smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen you fart you r alone coz people will never stand by u!

   Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car

   wondering why Facebook doesnt have a relationship status that says "SLEEPING WITH YOUR MAN" You KNOW a lot of people would be down for that on FB!!!

   Ok..so I went ahead and gave Jesus the wheel but I still crashed my car and got a dui

   wants you to give it up for his band Sexual Chocolate

   snappin necks and cashin checks

   I Don't know how to have a good marriage. But I do know how to have a bad one. so I just wont do those things.

   A candy that starts off sour and then gets sweet?... Wow that sums up my girlfriend..

   wants all his friends to know that your "save the endangered chipmunks or whatever" petition with 5000 signatures stops in my Inbox. You will never see your precious little email again!

   ... Shut Up ... The World Won't End in 2012.

   can't believe he was snubbed again this year for "Sexiest Man Alive" title...Damn you Johnny Depp.

   watching you change! P.S(you don't look that great naked)

   a godfather, that's a great thing to be,He calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught him that.

   I didn't get a toy train for xmas like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by

   put a leopard in a headlock. You now refer to this animal as the giraffe

   it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that you don't add your boss on facebook and then post "Wow my boss' wife cooks a mean casserole" after you call in sick

   happier than Richard Simmons running backwards through a cornfield!

   Twitter: Its just like being stranded on a "lonely" island and writing a small, meaningless message to be put in a bottle and thrown out to sea hoping somebody will write you back.

   Here's a question: You ever wonder how many REAL friends you had before the whole Facebook, Myspace, & Twitter thing came into existence?.......You're wondering now.

   dont take a sleeping pill and a laxative before bed...