Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   swears I would loose my head if it wasn't attached to my body!

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around.

   Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.

   two fish, named one, one and the other two.. so if one dies I will still have two. =)

   doesn't think both of the Dr.'s hands belong on my shoulders during the prostate exam.

   she is a "case worker". You'd need to drink a case before you work her.

   stealing mannequin legs -- the make great stocking stuffers.

   that if an old, fat man comes down you chimney tonight, creeps into your bedroom and kidnaps you don't worry! I asked santa for a friend for christmas and he is just getting me one :)

   doesn't believe "meat curtain" is an appropriate reference for a woaman's parts. But he has to admit, an Arby's "Big Montana" bears a striking resembelance.

   liking ones own status is a sign of self esteem. (X likes this)

   Tiger Woods went from being "married" to "it's complicated."

   I used to have super powers, but my psychiatrist took them away

   I love cooking with wine. Sometimes,i'll even put it in my food.

   I just paid $200 to join the National Believers in Reincarnation Club. It cost alot but oh well,you only live once.

   just two away from a threesome last night...

   word is that Tigers sponsors are not going to drop him. Who would with the slogans "Just do it " and "Is it in you?"

   Why does a blonde have TGIF written on thier shoes? Toes Go In First.

   99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   maybe Tiger Woods' relationship status should say "it's really complicated"

   Chasing a FAT MAN in red with salad, Oh It's SANTA