Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bills travel at twice the speed through the post than cheques.

   because we didn't evolve from CURRENT apes... we evolved from a comman ancestor whose population was split and separated geographically 6 million years ago and evolved in different directions. DUH!

   says if you want to feel skinny, hang out with a group of fat people.

   The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

   Move like Michael Jackson, Tonight on BBC 3, Is a contest,to find out who can move like Micheal Jackson....Am I alone in thinking,that really all the winner needs to do,is lie down & be still for half an hour ?

   What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

   Christmas Card $3.00 Brand new "Shrek" dvd $20.00 Gift wrap $2.00 The look of disappointment in a childs face when you tell them santa isn't real - PRICELESS !!!

   note to self: they all look the same when the lights are out,

   No outfit is complete without a few dog hairs :)

   I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it.

   OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite

   Sam Adams Triple Bock.....14% alcohol? Seriously? One of these is like 3.5 Coronas! .......Danger Will Robinson!

   Walked by A Maternity Clothes Store today and there was a "Please Come Inside" sign on the door. Duh, Why do you think they need Maternity Clothes

   Life is like roller coster indeed, and i'm about to throw up..*woakh*

   knows a lot of people that will corner the market on coal this Christmas

   - Strengthen your memory. Lie more.

   has never been good with foreign languages. He just tried to wish someone a happy birthday in Spanish, and what he wound up saying was, "The hooker chews on poisoned lugnuts."

   just met a lot of people who will corner the market on coal this Christmas.

   also slept with Tiger Woods.

   disappointed that all libraries don't carry free adderall