Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks Facebook needs another relationship status: commitment phobe

   A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

   Friends are like Christmas lights. Some are broke, others just don't work for you....and there are others that make your day shine bright.

   Watching the neighbors climb in their SUV with dirt shovels and a rolled up carpet hmmm.... oh well

   Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

   Drinking beer and watching Nascars , People ask me what's my favorite kind of beer I tell am an open one!

   There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

   wants to personally apologize for those that couldn't get their gifts from Santa: He died of laughter when I told him I had been nice all year......

   you're oddly sophisticated in a paradoxal mannor leaving me in this difficult conundrum. it puzzles me beyond recovery. I spend weeks crying because I cannot liberate myself from this bewildered state. I even began to think that my dog was a large gerbil.

   this just in....Florida is flooding due to all the tears from devastated Florida fans

   yes tebow is leaving . . . but that is not considered a medical reason . . unless everyone is dehydrated from crying so much

   my relationship status changed...now it shows I'm "in a relationship with Rocket Pocket"....look forward to pics....

   forgive your enemys nothing pisses them off more

   note to self for next Christmas..... don't leave deer jerky out for Santa - cookies are a better choice...

   wishes there was a relationship status that says "not in a relationship, but is not single. Its complicated."

   whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   Santa is like a repair man, says he will be there between 12 and 4 and shows up at 5. What a jerk

   Ok, so now I have my coal in the pressure cooker....How long will this take?

   says, forgive your enemies, but remember their names.