Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A text from my mate : "I'm guaranteed to shag the missus up the bum this weekend. She's dyslexic and think's it's Vaseline's Day."

   Just booked a table for me and the other half for tomorrow - f****** hope she's good at snooker lol?!!!!

   Uh oh! You ever send a naughty text to the wrong person on accident? Ooops! My mom is gonna be soooo shocked when she reads that one. That was some of my best work too!

   My ex-wife seems to think she is a female version of Nostradamus. Before the divorce she predicted that I was going to pay for it, that I would never find love again, and that my world as I know it was going to end... a year and half later I'm a belliever

   WHEN WE WERE KIDS, THE ICE CREAM MAN USE TO GO DOWN THE STREET RINGING THE BELL. WELL, WHEN THE HELL IS SOMEONE GOING TO GET THE MORNING "COFFE MAN" TRUCK DOWN MY STREET??? THEN IT WOULD BE NICE AROUND 5 IN THE AFTERNOON FOR THE "VODKA" TRUCK...DING DA DI

   wonders how we are so concerned with automobile safety (airbags, crumple zones, antilock brakes), yet some will jump on an open sled from the 1870's and go 90 mph down a channel without a second thought!

   England's oldest postman retired today after 40 years in the service. Friends and family lined up to wish him good luck in his retirement. He told them to go to the next window.

   staring at you...yes, you....the one reading this status....yeahh..hey there mistah mistah. ^-^

   thinking if they didnt Screw the fifth flame, the Olympic would be more interesting :D

   - Rumor has it that Terrance and Phillip will be lighting the Olympic Flame tonight in Vancouver.

   thinks the Winter Olympics would be a lot more interesting if they gave the spectators shotguns and told them to shoot at the skiers! There'd be more speed records that's for darn sure.

   The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   sees that Toyota Prius are sponsoring the Georgian Luge Team

   wonders if that Luge sled was designed by Toyota.

   a voice in his head. I ask it yes and no questions, and it answers

   sympathesizing with those who absolutely hate to waste SO much of their time by NOT placing a new roll of toilet paper onto the holder for the next person. She understands the stress one must go through in order to avoid this strenuous task!

   Either you're in or you're out! There's no in-between. . . unless you are doing the Hokie Pokie

   Captin Obvious and general stupidty Are in the same army

   Does not play well with other's

   Screw the economy! I got a job for you, but it blows...