Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school? Me: no Therapist: no come on, they must have

   If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

   The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can't really remember what it's like to not have kids.

   There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.

   I'm finished with online dating sites as women never look like their profile pictures, and I usually get stuck buying the drinks until they do.

   I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!

   If you want a sneak preview of the new iPhone 11 just look at your iPhone 10 and pretend it costs $600 more.

   As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering

   I knew I was going bald 5 years ago when it took longer and longer to wash my face.

   me: *running around the operating room in circles screaming* patient: who's that? nurse: your trauma surgeon patient: wow he's good

   I bet a lot of optometrists retire next year, you know... 2020.

   Seems like somebody should have sued producers of "The Neverending Story" for false advertising

   The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.

   I knew I was going bald when it took longer and longer to wash my face.

   OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

   Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.

   That moment of sheer panic when you're wrist deep in the Pringles can, and you begin rehearsing your story for the ER attendant.

   The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop

   Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my— Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird

   Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!! Me: Sounds great, Dear.