Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was on the street and he saw an ugly pregnant lady, and he just thought, 'Good for you.'

   Words of Wisdom: it's easier to change a condom than it is to change a diaper

   Did I study? Nah. Did I buy a fancy pencil? You better beleive it.

   looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it, it's too risky!!

   Well if Killer Whales kill, I dont wanna know what Humpback or Sperm whales do...

   Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure I have an abnormal convex curvature of the upper spine.

   Sky News "Tree Falls On Bank" Does anyone happen to know what branch ?

   wondering if Shaq has my back, how come he never pays my cable bill?

   had a party last night... sorry you could not come but your girlfriend did.......TWICE

   Women like having four animals in the house: a jaguar in the driveway, a fox in the closet, a bull in bed, and a numbskull to pay for it.

   wonders...if NASA sends a pregnant woman into space and gives birth...is the baby an alien?

   Gravity always gets me down...

   Don't try to understand everything.. because sometimes it is not meant to be understood... but rather to be accepted...

   Since I'm now single, if I broke my hand could I put "it's complicated" as my relationship status?

   thinks life is pleasant, death is peacefull... it's the transition that is troublesome.

   A girl broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution??? I sent them to her dad.

   best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup; the best part is remembering the name of the person sleeping next to you.

   I'm not saying my girlfriend is thick, but we had a gas leak and she put a bucket under it.....

   I far too sleep deprived, my hemorrhoids are flaring up, my farts smell minty, and these Mentos taste like glycerin. What's going on?

   Just passed up an invite from the USA hockey team, to bring the gold in 2014. After checking my calendar, I have a hair cut appointment that conflicts.....Dammit!